This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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