The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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