So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
