k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
