God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
