She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
