I accidentally had phone sex last night
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
