Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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