this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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