i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
