So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
