the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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