dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
