does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Randomize
