I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
