If i come over, it means nothing
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
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