peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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