Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
