I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
