Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
im having a threesome with these popsicles
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize