I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
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