his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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