I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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