i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize