I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
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