He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I can't turn off my feet"
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
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