that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
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