My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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