Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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