Weren't you self-described as an 'arab' slut?
No?
Well my cheeks are red now
I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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