I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Drunk is not a location!
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
