Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
