Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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