dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
