walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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