When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
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