Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
