just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
