Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
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