kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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