My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
