R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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