just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
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