he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
