Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
