Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
