i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
