Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Randomize
