you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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