The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
