what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
My ATM looks so different sober.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
