mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
