I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
if only i could text you this smell
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Randomize
