So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Randomize
