moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Randomize
