you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
